Tuesday, April 17, 2012

What Fatherhood Means to Michael.

Our bundle of joy has been growing by leaps and bounds and multiplying in size at a dizzying rate for three months now. It's the size of a lime and measures two inches long.

Or so the Internet says....

Michael disputes the Internet every time they try to tell us what our baby is doing.

'Pshaw,' he scoffs. 'That might be the size of a normal baby at twelve weeks.... I bet ours is the size of a grapefruit by now.'

This week, our baby develops reflexes... and can open and close its wee little hands. According to the Internet.

'That's what a normal baby is doing. Our baby had reflexes last week.'

And so it's been since we got the news that we were expecting.... He may possibly have some rather grandiose ideas about this baby.

Let's just start with Michael's list of baby names, just for fun.

Conan.



Thor.


Or preferably, a combination of the two... Conan Thor.

Or Leonidas.


 
How about Hercules?


Or Atlas?


Khal Drogo.  That's a good one.


Or maybe Maximus.



Is anyone seeing a pattern here?!

The most normal name he's come up with so far is Atticus, from a book of baby names from literature that we spotted at Barnes and Noble. I actually wasn't too opposed to that name.

You know, in light of the others, and besides, I always loved that book. But he marked that one off the list after five seconds because Atticus wasn't much of a warrior, in spite of that whole 'one shot Atticus' thing.

Just for fun, I suggested that we *might* want to come up with a girl name, you know, just in case. He scoffed. I pressed.

'Catalina,' he spat with a roll of his eyes, 'but it's NOT A GIRL.'

So.  Yes.  The lovely Catalina, if it's a girl..... bless her heart.

The grandiose ideas go way beyond baby names.

I've actually heard these words come out of my mouth: "You know this baby is going to be the size of a sack of flour. It will be a long time before he can play with a sword."

I'm more than a little frightened.

Just this morning, in an email regarding the cutting of the umbilical cord in the delivery room, his response was,


Ok. Do you have to use the blade the doctor gives you, or can you bring your own? :)
I answered that they'll probably just want him to use a boring pair of surgical scissors, but he should definitely be prepared with his own machete or something.

He liked that.

Naturally.

I've decided my role as Michael's wife is to smile and nod and agree and tell him his ideas are wonderful because he's brilliant. Because he is.

Submit and obey. Or at least give the appearance of it.


But then sign the birth certificate when he's out of the room.

And don't worry; I'm already hatching a scheme to get him out of the room: I'll tell him his boy can't thrive on milk; he needs freshly butchered wild game, and we just can't get that from the hospital cafeteria, you know?

Or maybe I'll need to send Michael to fetch a loin cloth made from animal skins.

I have 28 weeks to figure it out.



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13 comments:

Mrs. R. said...

You guys are HILARIOUS! I am so excited for you. I kid you not, my great grandfather's name was Leonidas. They called him Lee. I'm totally serious - the census records prove it. And I know you know all about that family research and genealogy stuff, right, Melissa? So... IF you were asking for opinions for names (but I know you're not, and I NEVER do, b/c I just don't want to hear all the negative things everyone thinks about our names), I vote Leonidas or Maximus. Or Leonidas Maximus. BTW, come on w/ the pregnant pics, girl! I know you are SO CUTE.

Love, 
Your friend in P-town.

Michael Taylor said...

This is one of my favorite blog posts you've ever done. You nailed it ALL! ;) I hope mom will finally accept that it's not going to be any name that's been in the top 100 for the past 25 years! Jennifer got to name her first Jaxon with an X and her next she named after her childhood (and adulthood) literary hero. Well DITTO AND WOOHOO! So Billy Bo Bob Jim, he will not be. Sorry everyone. Hope you still love him. :)

LKS said...

You know Michael could simply *bite* the cord in half. It's the cowboy way you know.

SBH said...

I just read this to my husband.  We are laughing so hard, as his name of choice for our boys was Conan.  He was dead set on it, I was not.  I am reporting (with a huge smile) that we have 3 children and non of them are named Conan.  

Betsy said...

i seriously cannot believe darth is not on the list.  joshua will be so disappointed. 

Yooper said...

Hysterical.  Read it aloud to my 12 y.o. and we laughed, and laughed. 

Melissa from the Blue House said...

LOL. I'll suggest that to him but I think he has his heart set on using some sort of blade. Preferably a mighty sword. Gotta break the kid in early, you know... 

Melissa from the Blue House said...

Thanks J :D

Melissa from the Blue House said...

He did say he might consider Anakin. And Anakin Skywalker Taylor doesn't sound too bad... 

Melissa from the Blue House said...

NO WAY! Wow, I just can't believe MORE people don't go with the name 'Conan.' 

Melissa from the Blue House said...

There really should be more names with 'X's' in them. HEY! How 'bout AXLE? Axle Maximus sounds REALLY fierce. Think about it.

Melissa from the Blue House said...

Good to hear from you Mrs. R from P-town! :D Hmmm, Leo does sound pretty cute... we might just have to go with that one, guaranteed to be the only Leonidas in his kindergarten class, for sure!

thecoffeecottage said...

1. My husband wanted to name our firstborn "Thor"

2. When our twin boys went down the hall to get circumsized, my husband followed them and demanded that the poor 18 year old, just out of nursing/medical school interns exclaim "Good god! They're HUGE!" when they opened the boys diapers. Seriously. He MADE them say it so we could put it in the  baby books they don't have.

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