Wednesday, May 28, 2014

My Husband is My Soul Mate, and There's Nothing Wrong With That.


I've seen a couple of blog posts about how there's no such thing as a soul mate making the rounds on Facebook lately, and it really disturbs me.

It seems people are above the idea, as if rejecting the idea of soul mates is more spiritual.

I have to disagree.

Oh, there was a time in my life I would have been all over the idea that the idea of a soul mate was ridiculous. As a wide-eyed ministry student in college, obsessed with doing E V E R Y T H I N G R I G H T, I would have scoffed, too, at those less-spiritual ones who wanted to marry for passion or chemistry or, God forbid, ATTRACTION. I made my very mature list of requirements for a future spouse, which included...


Christian. And by 'Christian' I wanted someone who LOOKED very Christian on the outside; someone who went to church every Sunday and followed all the rules of good Christian dress code and pew selection and whatnot. 

A Good Family. He must come from a family with NO divorces. That one guy I thought I'd marry in college? I marked him off the list because his parents had been divorced, because just NO. You must have someone with a stellar family track record of no divorces. At the time, not even any of my COUSINS had been divorced, so I deserved to be picky.

A College Degree. In my family, there are degrees in chemistry and double majors and Master's degrees and even my grandparents had college degrees. I can't even fathom being asked out by a non-degreed person in those days, because NO.

Height. I'm 5'10" and need to be able to wear heels when we're sitting together on a well-chosen pew in church.


And then I found myself an Old Maid at the horrifyingly old age of 25.

I know, it's shocking how old I was, and still unmarried. And the LAST of all my friends to get married. Warning bells sounded.

And a guy came along who had all the criteria on my checklist. Christian? Check. Education? Check. Taught Sunday School? Check. He had a really good job, even. Of course that was on my list.

And so, because I had my handy little list of 'musts,' I totally ignored the feeling in my gut, the still, small voice saying that this wasn't IT. This isn't ANYTHING like I've ever dreamed about, or anything close to what I pictured. I was NOT ATTRACTED to him, but I told myself that I was making the spiritually mature choice. And I ignored every one of my friends who said ".....Um.... are you SURE?..." 

I told myself that they just weren't as in tune with what was RIGHT as I was.

Because Godly people KNOW that attraction is fleeting... the righteous thing is to marry someone who repulses you physically, because who's really attracted to their spouse after ten years, anyway?

And you can't trust chemistry. Chemistry is shallow. And by gosh, I was gonna do something mature and un-shallow to prove to EVERYONE...


I mean, if it wasn't meant to be, then WHY would God bring this person into my life who had everything on my VERY inspired list? 


Of course, my gut feeling, which I've since come to believe is the Holy Spirit, told me something different, but I didn't trust that. Heavens, I was the ripe old age of 25, OK? And if I let this one slip away, WOULD I HAVE TO SPEND THANKSGIVINGS ALONE WITH MY CATS UNTIL I DIED?!! TIME WAS TICKING AND THEREFORE THE LORD WANTED ME TO HURRY!

It's a very real fear, when you're halfway through your twenties and all your friends are already married. But what you might not know at 25 is that men who appear Christian on Sunday might slip off to strip clubs when nobody from church is looking. And a college education doesn't mean intelligent conversation. And the family who LOOKS very together might have ZERO love in their hearts for each other or for anyone else, and those are the most torturous people in the world to have to spend the holidays with.


And all those things that appeared right in the beginning all turned out to be lies, and I found myself alone ... and then, I met a guy who made me laugh. 

And I realized how much I had missed laughing. When there's no laughing, who cares which pew his parents sit on in church?

There was oh, so much laughing. 

And so many things we had in common.... so many remarkable similarities about our childhoods... so many silly things and inside jokes and shared understandings and ridiculousness that would matter ZERO to anyone else, but it's THOSE things that form a soul connection with another person. A marriage without a soul connection is a very lonely and miserable place to be. 

And then there's that whole 'gut feeling' that comes from a still, small voice. Never, ever ignore that. Oh, if ONLY I had not ignored that when I was 25....

So after many years of lessons learned by making bad choices, and the wisdom gained from maturity, I would definitely tell my daughters, contrary to what these other bloggers say, to hold out for their soul mate. Find the one that your soul loves. There's a reason that very phrase is in the Bible.

I don't care if my future son-in-law has a college degree. 

I don't care if he comes from a whole family tree of failed marriages.

I do care that there's lots of laughing.

I do care that we all pray about it, and a still, small voice tells us all, "Yes. This is it. THIS is the one."

I care that he works hard, that he loves Jesus, and that he tells the truth... those intangible qualities that you can't put on paper. 





Marriage is hard. Even under the best of circumstances, even when you're married to your soul mate. Even soul mates can act like total jackwagons and make you want to kill them dead. Seriously, funny is good, but nothing makes me homicidal faster than sarcasm at the wrong moment... 

And when the hard times come, as they inevitably will, it won't be the fact that he does or doesn't have a college degree that makes you want to wake up and do this thing again in the morning.



A good marriage is not about a list you can write down on paper. 

I could find ANY number of men who would score 100% on an arbitrary list of criteria. I canNOT find any other person on this earth who shares the connection that Michael and I have. 

And most importantly, I canNOT find another guy that I know in my gut is the ONE. I prayed, and I know.

In my whole life, there has always ever been only one of those. 




If you liked this post PLEASE share it with your friends! ~ Melissa Beene Taylor
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4 comments:

Melissa Taylor said...

I love this.

Melissa Taylor said...

I like this for you. .

Melissa Taylor said...

NO comments here??!! I loved this post. Attraction is hugely important!! Laughing together is priceless! Having struggles and even fights that have GREAT make up times are strengthening! I LOVE the Scripture you quoted.... God always words it BEST! :)

Melissa Taylor said...

Melissa,

I don't know you personally but I wanted you to know that you have touched my life in a way that you could never know. I was contemplating whether or not to leave my tumultuous marriage. I, like you, was a big believer that divorce is never an option and people should always try harder ... but I, also like you, believe that there is a place that you draw the line: abuse.


I'm in my early twenties and have only been married 8 months. In those 8 months, my husband tortured me with both, verbal and emotional abuse. It literally started three days into our honeymoon. He turned out to be someone completely different than the guy that I thought "met my checklist." I realize now that a man that looks good on paper can very well be deceiving... and he was. He pretended to be religious to "get me" and his family life... well it didn't exist. Everything I thought to be true, wasn't. There were many nights that he didn't even come home...and I never got any explanation why. I prayed and prayed for some divine intervention... but nothing changed. I realized then, that maybe God is wanting me to see that this marriage isn't any good for me. Maybe he wants me to leave and love myself for His sake. Then I came across your post on "BlogHer" while searching for the strength to fully leave my abusive marriage. It inspired me. Don't get me wrong, my heart broke when I read the things you had written (and I apologize profusely for bringing back bad memories if I am) but my goodness... could I relate to you, or what?! I did the books, I did the counseling (he never came) and YES... all of this took place just within the first few months of our marriage. (That's how abusive he was)... Nothing worked. I felt as though the life you lived for 12 years, I had lived in those short 8 months, minus the children. Your post gave me strength, it gave me the realization I needed: that I needed to leave the abuse and not only take care of, but love, me.



Of course, seeing as I felt we had a connection I moved on to stalk your personal blog (I promise I am not a creeper! Just a curious and hopeful woman!) and I have to say... seeing your beautiful family and your "happily ever after" has made me realize that that is still possible, as long as you open your heart up to it. I won't lie, as desperate and sad as this sounds... a big part of me was so scared to leave my husband because I was afraid I would wind up alone. Yes, I have a college degree, a solid support system in my friends and family... but I was so afraid. Then I saw you. A woman of a similar place and mindset as me, that took all the courage she had and made her life happen for her... and I can't tell you ecstatic for you I am.


It seems as if you have found your true love and your match in Michael. I can't imagine the hell you went through (excuse my language!) in 12 years seeing as I feel exhausted after just 8 months... but I can surely say, that you deserve all the happiness in the world and I'm glad that you have found it. Your children are beautiful and I wish you all the best, always.


Thank you for having inspired me to leave the misery of a man that takes pride in hurting me and find my own "happily ever after" - maybe it'll come a few years from now, or maybe my happily ever after will be me, feeling fulfilled in just myself... but I know that I have faith in God that one day I will feel at peace with all that I have been through and will smile and say "this is why."


Bless you <3

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