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Foreboding Joy

July 10, 2020 By Melissa Beene Ford Leave a Comment

I didn’t know what it was called, this feeling that come right after I realize that I feel really happy…

That sense that any second now, the rug is about to be jerked out from under me.

It’s an addiction, I think, to that feeling, that just when everything is so right, it’s about to go so wrong. But you get used to feeling that way. Things are going so well… then BAM.

Surprise! But not a good surprise…

I mean, it’s happened before, so you come to expect it, and deep down inside you’re always preparing for the worst.

Maybe right after you get married, you learn that your new man has $60,000 in debt he didn’t tell you about.

Or that he had affairs with multiple women, some of them married, the whole year you dated.

Or maybe he’s been sexting with prostitutes he found on Craigslist.

Or that maybe he’s a sleazy con artist sociopath who can’t utter one single complete sentence that doesn’t have some sort of lie in it…

…Hypothetically, of course.

You just thought you were going to get to be happy.

Then several years later when you catch yourself in a stage when your job is amazing, you’re surrounded by the best people, and everything you’ve ever wanted, you kind of have that right now, and you feel … happy? Is that what this is? And how did I get so lucky?!

I dunno, it’s tempting to start rehearsing the tragedy that’s surely just around the corner.

I’ve been slowly reading through Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, who gave this feeling a name – foreboding joy – and describes it as a “coming out of your skin” feeling… desperate for more joy, but can’t tolerate the vulnerability.

I guess it’s pretty common to feel that way after a series of excruciatingly painful circumstances brought on by your own poor choices.

I don’t know the cure for that.

I’m only on page 123 of the book.

But I’m working on it.

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Hi, I'm Melissa! Texas Girl. Single Mom. Old house fanatic. Welcome to my corner of the internet! I hope to bring you all my deep thoughts about life, Jesus, health and happiness, and decorating my little home without breaking the bank. I will try my best to make you laugh. Or cry... but only for a minute or two. We'll see how it goes. Anyhoo, thanks for being here!! Follow me on Instagram (link below) to keep up with my daily stories. And be sure to subscribe so you don't miss a post.

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I love Saturday. 💕 Saturday’s my favorite. 😁 Projects going down today, starting with three gallons of white paint from @sherwinwilliams. What in the world should I paint first? 🤔 What’s happening at YOUR house today?
Snow in East Texas. It’s a big deal. ❄️ Snow in East Texas. It’s a big deal. ❄️
It’s a beautiful day if you’re solar powered ☀️ like me. It’s also a beautiful day for napping in the sun ☀️ if you’re like @sophiejunethedoodle. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I feel SO fortunate to get to work from home where I can sit by a window and even open it when the weather is right 👌🏻 even tho I can hear #goldendoodle snores from my home office... 🤔 Working from home has been on my #visionboard for years and it finally happened. 👏🏻What’s on YOUR vision board for 2021? 👉🏻Answer my poll in my stories! 👈🏻 #theresnoplacelikehome #workfromhomelife #iloveworkingfromhome
The whole Christmas 🎄 story, in these lyrics ri The whole Christmas 🎄 story, in these lyrics right here. I believe every word is true. After church this morning I decided these words needed to be added to my chalk wall. 👉🏻 In the darkness we were waiting
Without hope without light
Till from heaven You came running
There was mercy in Your eyes
To fulfil the law and prophets

To a virgin came the Word
From a throne of endless glory
To a cradle in the dirt

Praise the Father
Praise the Son
Praise the Spirit three in one
God of glory
Majesty
Praise forever to the King of Kings

To reveal the kingdom coming
And to reconcile the lost
To redeem the whole creation
You did not despise the cross

For even in Your suffering
You saw to the other side
Knowing this was our salvation
Jesus for our sake You died

And the morning that You rose
All of heaven held its breath
Till that stone was moved for good
For the Lamb had conquered death

And the dead rose from their tombs
And the angels stood in awe
For the souls of all who’d come
To the Father are restored

And the Church of Christ was born
Then the Spirit lit the flame
Now this gospel truth of old
Shall not kneel shall not faint

By His blood and in His Name
In His freedom I am free
For the love of Jesus Christ
Who has resurrected me
HaPPy NeW YeaR! 🎉 Is today the day we throw out HaPPy NeW YeaR! 🎉 Is today the day we throw out the cat houses made of all the Christmas boxes and blue tape, or do we have to wait for epiphany? 🤔 Wishing you ALL the blessings of a brand new year! 👏🏻 May the Lord crown the year with bounty so that even the wagon tracks overflow with abundance. Psalm 65:11 🌱
Instagram post 17875671470084040 Instagram post 17875671470084040
My top nine pics of 2020. 🤷🏼‍♀️ These My top nine pics of 2020. 🤷🏼‍♀️ These all make me happy to look at ~ I do love this little home we have ~ but none of these represent my top moments of 2020, which would be memories I made with the people I love the most. 💕 It’s been a year of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, but still, the person I am at the end of 2020 is better than who I was back in January in so many ways. Lots of lessons learned. Lots of figuring out what I want and what I don’t and who I wanna be and who I need around me. Can’t wait to see what 2021 holds but I know for sure there will be love and grace and mercy and peace. #topnine #topnine2020 #theyearinreview
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I love Saturday. 💕 Saturday’s my favorite. 😁 Projects going down today, starting with three gallons of white paint from @sherwinwilliams. What in the world should I paint first? 🤔 What’s happening at YOUR house today?
Snow in East Texas. It’s a big deal. ❄️ Snow in East Texas. It’s a big deal. ❄️
It’s a beautiful day if you’re solar powered ☀️ like me. It’s also a beautiful day for napping in the sun ☀️ if you’re like @sophiejunethedoodle. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I feel SO fortunate to get to work from home where I can sit by a window and even open it when the weather is right 👌🏻 even tho I can hear #goldendoodle snores from my home office... 🤔 Working from home has been on my #visionboard for years and it finally happened. 👏🏻What’s on YOUR vision board for 2021? 👉🏻Answer my poll in my stories! 👈🏻 #theresnoplacelikehome #workfromhomelife #iloveworkingfromhome
The whole Christmas 🎄 story, in these lyrics ri The whole Christmas 🎄 story, in these lyrics right here. I believe every word is true. After church this morning I decided these words needed to be added to my chalk wall. 👉🏻 In the darkness we were waiting
Without hope without light
Till from heaven You came running
There was mercy in Your eyes
To fulfil the law and prophets

To a virgin came the Word
From a throne of endless glory
To a cradle in the dirt

Praise the Father
Praise the Son
Praise the Spirit three in one
God of glory
Majesty
Praise forever to the King of Kings

To reveal the kingdom coming
And to reconcile the lost
To redeem the whole creation
You did not despise the cross

For even in Your suffering
You saw to the other side
Knowing this was our salvation
Jesus for our sake You died

And the morning that You rose
All of heaven held its breath
Till that stone was moved for good
For the Lamb had conquered death

And the dead rose from their tombs
And the angels stood in awe
For the souls of all who’d come
To the Father are restored

And the Church of Christ was born
Then the Spirit lit the flame
Now this gospel truth of old
Shall not kneel shall not faint

By His blood and in His Name
In His freedom I am free
For the love of Jesus Christ
Who has resurrected me
HaPPy NeW YeaR! 🎉 Is today the day we throw out HaPPy NeW YeaR! 🎉 Is today the day we throw out the cat houses made of all the Christmas boxes and blue tape, or do we have to wait for epiphany? 🤔 Wishing you ALL the blessings of a brand new year! 👏🏻 May the Lord crown the year with bounty so that even the wagon tracks overflow with abundance. Psalm 65:11 🌱
Instagram post 17875671470084040 Instagram post 17875671470084040
My top nine pics of 2020. 🤷🏼‍♀️ These My top nine pics of 2020. 🤷🏼‍♀️ These all make me happy to look at ~ I do love this little home we have ~ but none of these represent my top moments of 2020, which would be memories I made with the people I love the most. 💕 It’s been a year of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, but still, the person I am at the end of 2020 is better than who I was back in January in so many ways. Lots of lessons learned. Lots of figuring out what I want and what I don’t and who I wanna be and who I need around me. Can’t wait to see what 2021 holds but I know for sure there will be love and grace and mercy and peace. #topnine #topnine2020 #theyearinreview
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