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A Righteous (and Strictly Fictional) Husband.

Melissa Beene Ford/ Fiction

If you haven’t read part One of the story, click here to read first.

As one can imagine, finding a suitable mate for a righteous and upstanding lady such as Mother Needlenose proved a formidable task: righteous and upstanding men worthy a perfectly sinless wife are few and far between.

And the most obvious choice, Billy Graham, was already taken.

Therefore Mother Needlenose was well on her way to achieving Old Maid status (which was just fine with her, because far better to sit home alone than to dare let an average man think himself approved unto Mother Needlenose) when at long last, just as her childbearing years began to grind to a halt, she met Papa Needlenose. Finally, a righteous and upstanding man of God who knew all the correct Baptist words to say to APPEAR righteous and upstanding!
Well, at least he appeared to be righteous and upstanding while Mother Needlenose was looking…

It was Papa Needlenose’s gift for quoting the words of the Lord semi-accurately with an air of self-important authority that won over Mother Needlenose. “Surely he is a great Baptist,” thought Mother Needlenose to herself, “because he speaks religious words so often, and with such self-importance,” knowing secretly that she was bound to find a trait or two of which to disapprove.

Disapproval was, after all, her spiritual gift.

Thus Mother and Papa Needlenose were married, and became a force to be reckoned with, intimidating non-church-goers everywhere with their religiosity. And under the watchful gaze of Mother Needlenose’s monacle, in true Biblical fashion, Papa Needlenose grew in righteousness and upstanding-ness and in favor with the Big Baptist Church.
(Or at least he learned to hide his tobacco habit really well, reasoning that it wasn’t a sin as long as only he knew about it.)

Papa Needlenose learned to bless those around him often with his self-important talk, self-importance being his spiritual gift. He spoke many words, often, both religious and otherwise, as he was quite the expert on any and every topic from dairy cows to college football to trombones to lugnuts. And he filled the ears of everyone from miles around with his many knowledgeable and self-important words.

However, it was the religious language he was truly a master of, and spoke Baptist words often, both to the righteous and upstanding who wanted to hear it, and plowing over those unrighteous souls who didn’t, uttering with self-righteous authority such profound Biblical phrases as “God will never give you more than you can handle,” “God helps those who help themselves,” and the all-time favorite Bible verse of righteous men everywhere, straight out of the pages of Proverbs*,
“A woman’s place is in the kitchen.”

*Whether those phrases are actually to be found in the Bible is irrelevant; Papa had read some of the Bible once, in his younger years, and having found himself to be in such like mind as the Good Lord himself, discovered he didn’t need to waste time reading it over and over again. Besides, it was widely accepted that he was righteous and upstanding, and had the gift of self-importance, so if Papa said it or thought it, it must be Biblical.

To the approval of Mother Needlenose, Papa was known around the Big Baptist Church as a gifted pray-er and was often called upon to pray out loud at church functions, being that he could pray the longest, wordiest, most religious-sounding prayers of just about any of the Deacons, prayers peppered with all the usual Baptist cliches: “Bless the gift and the giver,” and the most poetic, “Forgive us our sins of O-mission and CO-mission.”
His prayers were so impressive that many lesser Christians heard him pray (at length) and resolved to NEVER pray out loud because they were so inferior to Papa Needlenose’s self-important religiousity (to the smug satisfaction of Mother Needlenose).

To be continued…CLICK HERE TO GO TO CHAPTER THREE!

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Lisa says

    July 29, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Thank you for sharing this story. You have me hooked. Keep it going.

    Reply
  2. Steph @Red Clay Diaries says

    July 29, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    I'm loving this series! I know they're supposed to be purely fictional but I'm pretty sure I've met these people.

    Reply
  3. Anonymous says

    August 3, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    It seems like you have issues?!

    Reply
  4. Melissa from the Blue House says

    August 3, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    Ain&#39;t that the truth! But the difference between me and you is that MY issues are completely transparent, out here on this blog for all to see, whereas people like this (fictional) Needlenose family try to hide THEIR issues behind that &#39;anonymous&#39; label…. <br /><br />Darkness never likes to be exposed to the light, right?

    Reply
  5. Billy Coffey says

    August 4, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    I am absolutely LOVING these, Melissa!

    Reply
  6. Anonymous says

    August 4, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    who knew a blackberry was such a powerful tool for hiding behind when sending out little insults and zingers. too bad it couldn&#39;t keep all the dirty secrets hidden…

    Reply
  7. Steph @Red Clay Diaries says

    August 4, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    So when&#39;s the next installment? <br /><br />And I commend you on keeping it &quot;fictional&quot; in such a discreet and appropriate way. Plus it&#39;s entertaining to see the anonymous commenter(s?) &quot;out&quot; themselves thru their comments.

    Reply
  8. Anonymous says

    August 4, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Love this, Melissa. I recognize myself in this soooo much and take it as an opportunity to make some changes. Thanks for being a light bearer in such a light-hearted fashion.

    Reply
  9. Melissa from the Blue House says

    August 5, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Anonymous #2, your comment made me laugh ALL DAY LONG. So true… a blackberry is good for lots of things, but is NOT the most loyal and trusted friend when it comes to keeping your dirty secrets; let a private investigator go poking around and all the dirt comes out. <br /><br />Hmmmm… that gives me an idea for a Needlenose chapter… strictly fictional, of course!

    Reply

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About Me


Hey there... I'm Melissa! Texas girl. Mom to three + one goldendoodle. Believer. Old house fanatic. Creating a happy + healthy home with purpose is my passion. I'm so glad you're here!

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I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 years of paint off of this door down to the wood and start over… but that person has no business starting new projects. 😅 My neighbors must have thought this project would never end. *I* thought this project would never end. 😰 If you’re thinking of doing this yourself? Just don’t, ok? Throw the whole door away and buy a new one. 😂🤣 Just kidding.  Old house weirdos like me… we can’t just do things the easy way. Anyhoo… after some trial and error, @sherwinwilliams Celestial is what I landed on, and I have to say… I like it. Periwinkle-ish blue looks great with the yellow house and will look even better when the azaleas are in bloom. Was it all worth it? That’s not important right now. 🤭 Will I do this all again in two years? The magic eight ball says… without a doubt. 👏🏻 I’ve already picked the next color. #gluttonforpunishment #somefoolsneverlearn #oldhouselove #oldhomelove #makinghome #southernliving #gardenandgun #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in an 80-year-old house completely worth it … what broken pipes, icy hardwood floors and drafty windows? 🤔 I forgot already. #comeonspring #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Happy Saturday ☀️ Happy Saturday ☀️
Salt Lake City is always magical ✨ Salt Lake City is always magical ✨
2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrollin 2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrolling through my pics from the last twelve months made me realize how blessed and content I am. Prosperity, love, and peace have been ours in abundance, in spite of the pain of losing my dad. The second picture is the last picture of him… the last time I saw him. 💔 But God has been good to my family this year and 2022 is ending far better than it began. 😄 #2022inreview #thanksforthememories
Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍ Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍♀️
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That’s it. That’s the tour. (Slide two). 
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It’s a new trend I’m starting: bare Christmas tree. Lowe’s tag still attached (so quirky and unexpected)! Christmas ornaments still in boxes. Coming soon to an Anthropologie window display near you. 
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Every year I think, “next year I’ll do better. Next year I’ll have it together.” And then, here we are on the SIXTH Christmas that we’ve been in this house, the sixth Christmas I’ve dragged our chaotic bunch of Christmas mess out of a chaotic garage I still haven’t unpacked from our move six years ago. 
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Maybe this year is the year I’ll organize it all and put it back neatly so that by Christmas number 7, it will be smooth sailing. People will flock to my social media to see how I’ve pulled everything off SO PERFECTLY. Next year will be my year. 
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Seems every year there’s less and less bandwidth for all these things. There’s more grief and stress, less money. More demands, less grace. 
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I put this sign on the wall in my office so I could keep it in front of my eyes: Love. Joy. Peace. And all that. I am SO unlike Jesus most days. So lacking in all of these character qualities. And that’s WITH waking up most mornings and spending my first 30 minutes with God Himself. 
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How lost would I be without that? Geez. I can’t fathom. I REQUIRE being transformed by renewing my mind every single morning, and even then, responding to people and life with love, joy, peace and patience doesn’t come naturally. 
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It’s the goal, though. 
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This weary world needs that from us Believers during this season, more than ever… even more than an Anthropologie-window-display worthy Christmas home tour. 
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I’m working on both.
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