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How am I Doing?

Melissa Beene Ford/ Annie+ tumor

I have good days.

And then I have bad days.

Good days, where I have a euphoric kind of calm….*KNOWING* beyond a shadow of a doubt that God will heal my Annie, and this will all be behind us in a matter of weeks.

He is the Great Physician, after all.

And then I have bad days, where the ‘logical’ part of my brain wants to dwell on the cold hard facts, and I think about all the little bald children we saw in the waiting room at Children’s and wonder how many of those situations will turn out well, and I think that that could be us, because the parents of all those little children prayed the same prayer I prayed, and their child has cancer anyway, so why should God heal my child in the way that I’m asking Him to, when theirs weren’t healed? I’m certainly not righteous enough to deserve it.

And then there are in-between days, where I wake up happy and praising the Lord for his mercy and goodness, and then I hear a certain song on the radio and lose it.

I am strong in front of my kids.

I do hold them more, play with them more, sing with them more, tell them I love them more, sit and read with them more, let them have pizza for breakfast if they want to, let them sleep in their dress-up clothes if they want to, and even let them sleep with me at night……

If they want me, I’m there.

Which is something I wasn’t very good at before….I always put them off until later. I was always a stickler for following the rules of Growing Kids God’s Way.

Not anymore, because in the grand scheme of things, none of that matters.

I’m enjoying my kids every moment I can….every moment with them is truly a gift.

Really.

I watched a mom at Target today, whose little boy (probably 3 years old) was following behind her crying, “Carry me! Carry me!” and the lady just rolled her eyes and kept walking, him following along behind her, crying his eyes out, and I just thought, if only that lady realized how precious her time is with her kids, she’d pick him up and carry him…

My house is not clean….my to-do list is not done.

And I don’t care.

I see friends and aquaintances out in public, and they make comments like, “You’re so strong! You’re handling it so well!”

But that’s not really the truth.

The truth is, most days I wander around in a complete stupor. Most days are like today: I went to Target and spent over an hour picking up three things because I can’t even make myself think about which direction my feet should go next, wandered from the front to the back of the store 3 times, totally forgot the fourth thing I went for, and then after I paid for my three things, left the bag at Target and drove home without any of it. I’m totally useless.

Some of you asked, so I’m answering.

That’s how I’m doing.

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Comments

  1. Marlager says

    April 18, 2009 at 1:50 am

    girl…….no one expects you to be doing "GOOD"! You got news about your baby that no parent would ever want to hear. BUT* your faith is strong, and that shows to others….even though you have your moments, you are already a testimony of faith! You are a wonderful mom!<br />I wish I would have noticed you didn’t have your bags today! 🙂 That’s what you get when two blondes see each other at

    Reply
  2. Pace says

    April 18, 2009 at 2:33 am

    Melissa, You probably have no idea who I am, but I remember you from ETBU and I saw about your Annie on Steph’s blog and have been praying for you and your family during these dark days. On April 12, 2004 our daughter Lillian Hope was born and then quickly became very ill,was only given a 50% chance of living and was sent to Texas Children’s Hospital to be put on the heart-lung bypass. Truly

    Reply
  3. Melissa says

    April 18, 2009 at 2:35 am

    Love you.

    Reply
  4. Christi says

    April 18, 2009 at 5:36 am

    Sounds like you’ve got it figured out for now anyway…you just keep loving on those kiddos! <br /><br />That’s probably what you need the most, and what they need the most!<br /><br />Continuing to pray for your family.

    Reply
  5. Michawn says

    April 19, 2009 at 3:59 am

    You know what, Melissa. You have a story to share now. You know what you should’ve done? You should’ve stopped that Mama in Target with her sweet baby tagging along behind her begging her for some love. From now on, you do that. Stop them, tell them your story, tell them about Annie, tell them to love their children…pick them up, hold them tight, LOVE them!! You have a story to tell now!

    Reply

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About Me


Hey there... I'm Melissa! Texas girl. Mom to three + one goldendoodle. Believer. Old house fanatic. Creating a happy + healthy home with purpose is my passion. I'm so glad you're here!

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I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 years of paint off of this door down to the wood and start over… but that person has no business starting new projects. 😅 My neighbors must have thought this project would never end. *I* thought this project would never end. 😰 If you’re thinking of doing this yourself? Just don’t, ok? Throw the whole door away and buy a new one. 😂🤣 Just kidding.  Old house weirdos like me… we can’t just do things the easy way. Anyhoo… after some trial and error, @sherwinwilliams Celestial is what I landed on, and I have to say… I like it. Periwinkle-ish blue looks great with the yellow house and will look even better when the azaleas are in bloom. Was it all worth it? That’s not important right now. 🤭 Will I do this all again in two years? The magic eight ball says… without a doubt. 👏🏻 I’ve already picked the next color. #gluttonforpunishment #somefoolsneverlearn #oldhouselove #oldhomelove #makinghome #southernliving #gardenandgun #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in an 80-year-old house completely worth it … what broken pipes, icy hardwood floors and drafty windows? 🤔 I forgot already. #comeonspring #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Happy Saturday ☀️ Happy Saturday ☀️
Salt Lake City is always magical ✨ Salt Lake City is always magical ✨
2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrollin 2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrolling through my pics from the last twelve months made me realize how blessed and content I am. Prosperity, love, and peace have been ours in abundance, in spite of the pain of losing my dad. The second picture is the last picture of him… the last time I saw him. 💔 But God has been good to my family this year and 2022 is ending far better than it began. 😄 #2022inreview #thanksforthememories
Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍ Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍♀️
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That’s it. That’s the tour. (Slide two). 
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It’s a new trend I’m starting: bare Christmas tree. Lowe’s tag still attached (so quirky and unexpected)! Christmas ornaments still in boxes. Coming soon to an Anthropologie window display near you. 
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Every year I think, “next year I’ll do better. Next year I’ll have it together.” And then, here we are on the SIXTH Christmas that we’ve been in this house, the sixth Christmas I’ve dragged our chaotic bunch of Christmas mess out of a chaotic garage I still haven’t unpacked from our move six years ago. 
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Maybe this year is the year I’ll organize it all and put it back neatly so that by Christmas number 7, it will be smooth sailing. People will flock to my social media to see how I’ve pulled everything off SO PERFECTLY. Next year will be my year. 
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Seems every year there’s less and less bandwidth for all these things. There’s more grief and stress, less money. More demands, less grace. 
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I put this sign on the wall in my office so I could keep it in front of my eyes: Love. Joy. Peace. And all that. I am SO unlike Jesus most days. So lacking in all of these character qualities. And that’s WITH waking up most mornings and spending my first 30 minutes with God Himself. 
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How lost would I be without that? Geez. I can’t fathom. I REQUIRE being transformed by renewing my mind every single morning, and even then, responding to people and life with love, joy, peace and patience doesn’t come naturally. 
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It’s the goal, though. 
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This weary world needs that from us Believers during this season, more than ever… even more than an Anthropologie-window-display worthy Christmas home tour. 
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I’m working on both.
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