How am I Doing?

I have good days.

And then I have bad days.

Good days, where I have a euphoric kind of calm….*KNOWING* beyond a shadow of a doubt that God will heal my Annie, and this will all be behind us in a matter of weeks.

He is the Great Physician, after all.

And then I have bad days, where the ‘logical’ part of my brain wants to dwell on the cold hard facts, and I think about all the little bald children we saw in the waiting room at Children’s and wonder how many of those situations will turn out well, and I think that that could be us, because the parents of all those little children prayed the same prayer I prayed, and their child has cancer anyway, so why should God heal my child in the way that I’m asking Him to, when theirs weren’t healed? I’m certainly not righteous enough to deserve it.

And then there are in-between days, where I wake up happy and praising the Lord for his mercy and goodness, and then I hear a certain song on the radio and lose it.

I am strong in front of my kids.

I do hold them more, play with them more, sing with them more, tell them I love them more, sit and read with them more, let them have pizza for breakfast if they want to, let them sleep in their dress-up clothes if they want to, and even let them sleep with me at night……

If they want me, I’m there.

Which is something I wasn’t very good at before….I always put them off until later. I was always a stickler for following the rules of Growing Kids God’s Way.

Not anymore, because in the grand scheme of things, none of that matters.

I’m enjoying my kids every moment I can….every moment with them is truly a gift.

Really.

I watched a mom at Target today, whose little boy (probably 3 years old) was following behind her crying, “Carry me! Carry me!” and the lady just rolled her eyes and kept walking, him following along behind her, crying his eyes out, and I just thought, if only that lady realized how precious her time is with her kids, she’d pick him up and carry him…

My house is not clean….my to-do list is not done.

And I don’t care.

I see friends and aquaintances out in public, and they make comments like, “You’re so strong! You’re handling it so well!”

But that’s not really the truth.

The truth is, most days I wander around in a complete stupor. Most days are like today: I went to Target and spent over an hour picking up three things because I can’t even make myself think about which direction my feet should go next, wandered from the front to the back of the store 3 times, totally forgot the fourth thing I went for, and then after I paid for my three things, left the bag at Target and drove home without any of it. I’m totally useless.

Some of you asked, so I’m answering.

That’s how I’m doing.