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I Can’t Do This.

Melissa Beene Ford/ Uncategorized

That’s my famous catch phrase from the past two years:

I can’t do this.

I think back about the events of the past two years, and how many times those events had me curled up in the fetal position in my closet sucking my thumb…

Not really about the fetal position thing, but exaggeration makes for a better story, right?

About my first real job in nine years, working with 100 medically fragile children, each one of them a tragically sad story, and dealing with a complex #?*! Social Security and #*!? Medicaid ?*#! Government Paperwork situation (and yes, that IS profanity) that I had NO idea how to handle… I said it to myself a million times a day:

I can’t do this!

Being a single mom to two little girls who ALSO had their world turned upside down in the past two years… so many moments, when they didn’t want to go to bed, when they threw up all over the carpet at 3am, when they forgot their lunch AGAIN, or couldn’t find matching socks AGAIN… they had me screaming in my head,

“I can’t do this!!!”

Leaving my church of 11 years, and all my church friends, behind and walking into a huge Singles Sunday School Class where I knew no one. I can’t do this.

Downsizing to a new apartment one-third of the size of the home where I once lived with my family, and reliving twelve painful years of memories in the process: I can’t do this.

Coping with a brain tumor diagnosis… my child’s. I can’t do this.

Its amazing how many things I was SURE I’d never be able to withstand, that I made it through…. not always well, or admirably, but…. I made it. And my girls and I are pretty much still happy (almost always), healthy (reasonably), and well-adjusted (most of the time) two years later. Surprisingly.

I read this quote from one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis, on Helen’s blog yesterday, and while it refers to something totally different, they’re still wise words that apply to so much that we think we can’t do:

But when a thing has to be attempted, one must never think about possibility or impossibility. Faced with an optional question in an examination paper, one considers whether one can do it or not: faced with a compulsory question, one must do the best one can. You certainly get none for leaving the question alone. Not only in examinations, but in war, mountain climbing, in learning to skate, or swim, or ride a bicycle, or even fastening a stiff collar with cold fingers, people quite often do what seemed impossible before they did it. It is wonderful what you can do when you have to. (Lewis, Mere Christianity, p.93)

And this one:

After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself, but just this power of always trying again. For however important chastity (or courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in the habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair of even our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection.

And then a favorite quote, along the same lines, from Oswald Chambers (another favorite author):

Whenever we say a thing is impossible the reason is twofold: either our prejudices don’t wish it to be, or we wish it so much that it seems too wonderful to be possible. Yet God only does the impossible.
In the realm of what is humanly possible, we don’t need God; common sense is our God.

I’m pretty sure that I still can’t do this. I’m under no illusions about myself.

But God can…

Here’s to doing the impossible, for trying again after many failures, and for never being content with less than perfection.

God can.

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Comments

  1. MTaylor says

    July 2, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Love it! I always love the positive and uplifting blogs! You have great insight on this type stuff. 🙂

    Reply
  2. Lisa says

    July 2, 2011 at 4:15 am

    Awesome post. I admire your courage and strength. We have got to meet someday!

    Reply
  3. Helen says

    July 2, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    I have prayed many prayers while lying in bed in the fetal position. I wish I was joking. After those prayers, I had just enough strength to sit up and pray from a sitting position. 🙂 <br />God is your strength, so yes, YOU can do this!<br />Blessings!

    Reply
  4. Mommy Dot Com says

    July 3, 2011 at 2:06 am

    A righteous man may stumble a thousand times, yet He will not fall. God is near the brokenhearted and He pours His grace upon the humble. <br /><br />Can&#39;t believe how many things you have had to face. It is a comfort to see that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. You are proof!

    Reply
  5. Anonymous says

    July 5, 2011 at 3:10 am

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    Reply
  6. Melissa from the Blue House says

    July 5, 2011 at 4:49 am

    I really don&#39;t understand the hateful comments. If you hate me THAT MUCH, you&#39;re welcome to stop reading my blog at ANY point. <br />I write about what&#39;s going on with ME because I hope that God allowed me to go through things so SOME of it might be a light to SOMEONE… ? <br />If its not for you, please go find other blogs to read that DO make you happy. Nobody makes you read mine.

    Reply
  7. Kathy says

    July 13, 2011 at 12:50 am

    I can&#39;t imagine how this could bring about negativity, but please know how this encouraged me. Truly. I&#39;m sure it encouraged many others.<br /><br />Thank you.<br /><br />This is beautiful Melissa. You are beautifully strong. Much love.

    Reply

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About Me


Hey there... I'm Melissa! Texas girl. Mom to three + one goldendoodle. Believer. Old house fanatic. Creating a happy + healthy home with purpose is my passion. I'm so glad you're here!

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I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 years of paint off of this door down to the wood and start over… but that person has no business starting new projects. 😅 My neighbors must have thought this project would never end. *I* thought this project would never end. 😰 If you’re thinking of doing this yourself? Just don’t, ok? Throw the whole door away and buy a new one. 😂🤣 Just kidding.  Old house weirdos like me… we can’t just do things the easy way. Anyhoo… after some trial and error, @sherwinwilliams Celestial is what I landed on, and I have to say… I like it. Periwinkle-ish blue looks great with the yellow house and will look even better when the azaleas are in bloom. Was it all worth it? That’s not important right now. 🤭 Will I do this all again in two years? The magic eight ball says… without a doubt. 👏🏻 I’ve already picked the next color. #gluttonforpunishment #somefoolsneverlearn #oldhouselove #oldhomelove #makinghome #southernliving #gardenandgun #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in an 80-year-old house completely worth it … what broken pipes, icy hardwood floors and drafty windows? 🤔 I forgot already. #comeonspring #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Happy Saturday ☀️ Happy Saturday ☀️
Salt Lake City is always magical ✨ Salt Lake City is always magical ✨
2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrollin 2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrolling through my pics from the last twelve months made me realize how blessed and content I am. Prosperity, love, and peace have been ours in abundance, in spite of the pain of losing my dad. The second picture is the last picture of him… the last time I saw him. 💔 But God has been good to my family this year and 2022 is ending far better than it began. 😄 #2022inreview #thanksforthememories
Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍ Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍♀️
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That’s it. That’s the tour. (Slide two). 
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It’s a new trend I’m starting: bare Christmas tree. Lowe’s tag still attached (so quirky and unexpected)! Christmas ornaments still in boxes. Coming soon to an Anthropologie window display near you. 
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Every year I think, “next year I’ll do better. Next year I’ll have it together.” And then, here we are on the SIXTH Christmas that we’ve been in this house, the sixth Christmas I’ve dragged our chaotic bunch of Christmas mess out of a chaotic garage I still haven’t unpacked from our move six years ago. 
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Maybe this year is the year I’ll organize it all and put it back neatly so that by Christmas number 7, it will be smooth sailing. People will flock to my social media to see how I’ve pulled everything off SO PERFECTLY. Next year will be my year. 
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Seems every year there’s less and less bandwidth for all these things. There’s more grief and stress, less money. More demands, less grace. 
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I put this sign on the wall in my office so I could keep it in front of my eyes: Love. Joy. Peace. And all that. I am SO unlike Jesus most days. So lacking in all of these character qualities. And that’s WITH waking up most mornings and spending my first 30 minutes with God Himself. 
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How lost would I be without that? Geez. I can’t fathom. I REQUIRE being transformed by renewing my mind every single morning, and even then, responding to people and life with love, joy, peace and patience doesn’t come naturally. 
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It’s the goal, though. 
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This weary world needs that from us Believers during this season, more than ever… even more than an Anthropologie-window-display worthy Christmas home tour. 
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I’m working on both.
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