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Me & My Mad Detective Skillz.

Melissa Beene Ford/ Uncategorized

mad detective skillzI think I missed my calling in life.

As much as I love working long, tedious hours, for notta lotta pay, dealing with trauma and tragedy and heartache and tears all day every day….

(AND even better, the mounds of paperwork involved)

…And who wouldn’t love that?…

I think I should have been a detective.

Perhaps I inherited the forensics crime-solving gene or something, or maybe it was all the Nancy Drew mysteries I immersed myself in as a child, but I love figuring out mysteries, particularly when it involves hunting down bad people and forcing them out of the darkness into the light.
~~~~~
A few years ago, when I was working for my friend’s children’s clothing store, we suspected — knew, actually — that someone was stealing from the store and selling the goods on eBay.

I won’t tell you all the details, because she’s local and we have mutual friends and I don’t want to be bringing up someone’s sins that have been washed away by the blood of Jesus already, so don’t ask me who it was, because I’m not telling, ok?, but with my keen bloodhound-like nose for clues (including a price tag in the trash, and a totally random comment from a friend), I waited and watched and laid out the bait and I caught her.

Out of all the customers, and all of the sellers on eBay…. I. Caught. HER.

The worst thing about her was that her eBay page was plastered ALLL over with Bible verses and Christian fishes and platitudes about treating others as you want to be treated and yada yada yada because she was a Christian, after all. But like I said, there is forgiveness for all that, but I digress…

So I busted her. And she got all self-righteously-indignant, because she was a Christian, and how dare we accuse her of stealing…

And she never darkened the door of the store, nor stole from us again, and we all lived happily ever after.
~~~~~
Then there was the time a certain husband – the husband of someone I know, nobody you know – was acting weird.

Clinging to his cell phone, clutching it close to his heart always, as if it was his newborn child that he had to breastfeed. The ringer? Always off.

To make a long story short, I caught him, found text messages that he thought he had deleted, and traced them all back to a rather unsavory source.

And I heard he said it baffled him that he had been caught, what with his evidence concealed and DELETED so well. FYI: Its never, ever deleted.

But that’s beside the point.

They got a divorce, and my friend lived happily ever after.

Because of my mad detective skillz, yo.
~~~~~
Meanwhile, a few crime-solving clues from Melissa’s Detective Agency that I’ve picked up along the way:

1. Always, always listen to your gut. It might just be the Holy Spirit. He tends to speak to you in that still, small voice.

And closely related to that advice is, PRAY ABOUT IT. I know I tend to over-spiritualize things, but in both of the cases I just mentioned, there was lots of praying for discernment about what was really going on.

2. Your second clue is often a cell phone. Are they breastfeeding that dadgum cell phone??!? Is the ringer always off??!? Get in there and find out what it is they’re hiding! Because if they aren’t hiding anything, why turn the ringer off?! Think about it…they don’t want it to ring at odd hours and you to ask, “Who’s that?.

And furthermore, if you do check their cell phone and the history is always wiped clean? SUSPICIOUS. No missed calls? No text messages… AT ALL? SUSPICIOUS. If their cell phone has internet access and you check the history and there IS NONE? SUSPICIOUS.

3. Spend the money and hire a private investigator. It will make you CRAZY to try to catch someone with whom you are emotionally invested. Not that I know this from experience; just guessing here, you understand…

And if the computer is involved, do not (I REPEAT: DO NOT) do your own detective work… you’ll only muddy the waters when you turn over the hard drive to the professional. Spend the money up front (and it will be significant, I assure you) and your evidence will be better that way. If you need one, message me; I know of two great ones (including a forensics computer guy) with lots of court experience.

4. In this computer age, you can find out almost anything you want to know through the internet. Anything! Nothing is hidden… nothing is secret… nothing is truly done anonymously.

Which brings me to my third detective story.
~~~~~

Perhaps my most satisfying detective case to date involves a stalker, a woman scorned, and dozens of hateful, vile comments on my blog.

And I’ll tell you the rest of that wonderful little story tomorrow here.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Betsy says

    July 23, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    I Love This. <br />You are the Best Writer Ever.<br />Maybe you should write for The Paper. *ahem*

    Reply
  2. Jenn says

    July 23, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    Woo GIRL, you better lock them doors and turn them lights down LOW, and I don&#39;t mean in a cozy, romantical, country musical kinda way. I mean like, if you see a red dot on your wall you better DUCK DOWN. Crazy Lady not gonna like this.

    Reply
  3. Melissa from the Blue House says

    July 23, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    LOL. Well, if I DO die tonight, there&#39;s more than one copy of the &#39;evidence.&#39; You know where it is, and you know what to do. ;)<br /><br />I only wanted her to leave me alone….

    Reply
  4. Joseph Cartwright says

    July 23, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    Mel: You rocked once again! You had me worried that you were investigating me then I remembered I have nothing to hide (smiles). You really do have the mad writing skilz, yo!

    Reply
  5. MTaylor says

    July 24, 2011 at 12:19 am

    Can&#39;t wait to see how this mystery turns out! It&#39;s like when you&#39;re watching a good movie on TV and a commercial comes on! Hurry up!

    Reply
  6. Jenn says

    July 24, 2011 at 2:34 am

    *sniff, sniff* smells a little pet-bunnyish in here. as in, pet bunny boilin&#39; on the stove, if you know what i mean.;)

    Reply
  7. Marlager says

    July 24, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    you do have MAD SKILLS* and you know me…….I&#39;ll put on a ball cap and sun glasses and do a drive by for you anytime! LOL! love, Pam

    Reply
  8. Melissa from the Blue House says

    July 25, 2011 at 12:29 am

    PAM: call headquarters. I have a mission for you. ~ Denise

    Reply
  9. Melissa says

    July 25, 2011 at 1:14 am

    Hellooooo…………it&#39;s tomorrow.

    Reply

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About Me


Hey there... I'm Melissa! Texas girl. Mom to three + one goldendoodle. Believer. Old house fanatic. Creating a happy + healthy home with purpose is my passion. I'm so glad you're here!

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I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 years of paint off of this door down to the wood and start over… but that person has no business starting new projects. 😅 My neighbors must have thought this project would never end. *I* thought this project would never end. 😰 If you’re thinking of doing this yourself? Just don’t, ok? Throw the whole door away and buy a new one. 😂🤣 Just kidding.  Old house weirdos like me… we can’t just do things the easy way. Anyhoo… after some trial and error, @sherwinwilliams Celestial is what I landed on, and I have to say… I like it. Periwinkle-ish blue looks great with the yellow house and will look even better when the azaleas are in bloom. Was it all worth it? That’s not important right now. 🤭 Will I do this all again in two years? The magic eight ball says… without a doubt. 👏🏻 I’ve already picked the next color. #gluttonforpunishment #somefoolsneverlearn #oldhouselove #oldhomelove #makinghome #southernliving #gardenandgun #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in an 80-year-old house completely worth it … what broken pipes, icy hardwood floors and drafty windows? 🤔 I forgot already. #comeonspring #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Happy Saturday ☀️ Happy Saturday ☀️
Salt Lake City is always magical ✨ Salt Lake City is always magical ✨
2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrollin 2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrolling through my pics from the last twelve months made me realize how blessed and content I am. Prosperity, love, and peace have been ours in abundance, in spite of the pain of losing my dad. The second picture is the last picture of him… the last time I saw him. 💔 But God has been good to my family this year and 2022 is ending far better than it began. 😄 #2022inreview #thanksforthememories
Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍ Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍♀️
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That’s it. That’s the tour. (Slide two). 
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It’s a new trend I’m starting: bare Christmas tree. Lowe’s tag still attached (so quirky and unexpected)! Christmas ornaments still in boxes. Coming soon to an Anthropologie window display near you. 
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Every year I think, “next year I’ll do better. Next year I’ll have it together.” And then, here we are on the SIXTH Christmas that we’ve been in this house, the sixth Christmas I’ve dragged our chaotic bunch of Christmas mess out of a chaotic garage I still haven’t unpacked from our move six years ago. 
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Maybe this year is the year I’ll organize it all and put it back neatly so that by Christmas number 7, it will be smooth sailing. People will flock to my social media to see how I’ve pulled everything off SO PERFECTLY. Next year will be my year. 
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Seems every year there’s less and less bandwidth for all these things. There’s more grief and stress, less money. More demands, less grace. 
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I put this sign on the wall in my office so I could keep it in front of my eyes: Love. Joy. Peace. And all that. I am SO unlike Jesus most days. So lacking in all of these character qualities. And that’s WITH waking up most mornings and spending my first 30 minutes with God Himself. 
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How lost would I be without that? Geez. I can’t fathom. I REQUIRE being transformed by renewing my mind every single morning, and even then, responding to people and life with love, joy, peace and patience doesn’t come naturally. 
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It’s the goal, though. 
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This weary world needs that from us Believers during this season, more than ever… even more than an Anthropologie-window-display worthy Christmas home tour. 
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I’m working on both.
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