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My Redeemer is Faithful and True.

Melissa Beene Ford/ Uncategorized

Yes, its way past my bedtime tonight.

This may be one of those blog posts that rambles a little….I’m just warning you. 😉

When it gets late I get a little philosophical. And I ramble.

Just ask my college roommate.

So I may just delete this whole thing in the morning, when I go back and re-read it after a good night’s sleep, and discover it makes no sense. 😉

Its been one of those days when I feel very little in the way of faith.

I’m just being honest.

Its been one of those days when I have this horrifying feeling in my gut that this is not going to turn out ok.

Its been one of those days, though at least half a dozen people have assured me that “they know God is going to heal Annie”…..they know that when we go for the MRI, that the tumor won’t be there….I’m not feelin’ it.

And I know they mean well, and I appreciate that they have faith, and at times, I convince myself of that very thing, too, and I feel so good about it.

Sometimes.

But not today.

Today, I’m seeing *signs* in everything that God is preparing me for the worst.

I can’t keep these horrific thoughts out of my head.

*One wrong slip of the knife*

*People sometimes die from the anesthesia, that’s why they make you sign that waiver*

*Tumors always grow larger and larger and larger; they cut them out and they come back*

*Innocent children sometimes die*

*God never promised me a lifetime with my children*

*Brain tumors are deadly*

Just being realistic.

Songs on the radio remind me that life is hard.

That is guaranteed.

And I hear these songs and think, “This is what God is preparing me for…”

Even some praise and worship songs make me think of, God forbid, a funeral.

And that’s reality.

I think, We have to prepare ourselves for the reality of the situation.

We think we know what God has planned…..but there is no way we can know…..because we cannot possibly think like God.

I appreciate it that people tell me they *know,* but the fact is that there is no way we can know that God plans to heal Annie.

We just like to think we know that.

Our ways are NOT like God’s ways, no matter how righteous we think we are…… we aren’t.

We are sinful, selfish, fallen, wicked people, BUT for the Grace of God.

We like to think that because we’re pretty good people, that God will smile upon us and grant us our heart’s desire.

But nothing could be farther from the truth……deep down, I know that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, in me, apart from Jesus in my heart, that would be deserving of God answering my prayers….certainly not because I am righteous.

If I were the One in control, I like to think I would always heal little children.

If I were the One in control, Annie would be miraculously healed, and we’d all be happy and feel good about singing happy praise songs in church, and live happily ever after.

So we think we know that God *should* heal Annie.

But the honest truth is that sometimes God doesn’t do the things we think He should.

Because we don’t think like HE does. We can’t.

So days like this, when I’m thinking the worst, I bawl my eyes out to the Lord.

I make all sorts of promises, in exchange for God healing Annie.

Yes, I’ll be a missionary…

Yes, I’ll tell everyone I know about Your goodness and grace….

Yes, I’ll never doubt again…

Yes, I’ll be a righteous, non-wavering follower of YOU for the rest of my days…

But the truth is, I know me.

I know all of us.

If God chooses to heal Annie like I ask Him to, before long…..

….I’ll forget.

Because that’s how I am. That’s how we all are.

And I’ll grumble like the Israelites.

Remember them? God provided manna from Heaven for them and was faithful to lead them through the wilderness. For forty years.

Miraculously.

Provided for their every need, because they were His chosen people, after all.

And they grumbled.

And we read that story and think, “How could they possibly grumble? Selfish, ungrateful people…after all that God has done for them….”

But the truth is, we are no better…..

God graciously pours out blessings upon us, and selfishly, we grumble.

My point is….should God answer my prayers…..I know me, and I know that I would grumble about something, at some point…

Maybe not anytime this year or next, but at some point…

I would grumble. I would find the negative, after a very short time of singing His praises…..I would. At some point, down the road, I would forget God’s goodness to our family. I would forget to tell everyone I met about how He healed my Annie. And worst of all, I would doubt again.

Maybe not immediately, but at some point, I would.

So I can forget making a pact with God: my promises, in exchange for His blessing, because my promises are worthless.

But here’s the amazing part:

God knows that I’m unfaithful. God knows I would doubt Him. God knows, already, right now, that I would forget all the promises I make to Him.

God knows this.

God knows I’m not a good person.

God knows there is nothing within me that deserves His blessings.

God knows my feeble promises would never come to pass.

The beauty of it all is, that God is good regardless of the bad that I might do.

God is generous regardless of how worthless I am.

God is faithful regardless of how unfaithful I am.

God is merciful when I could never deserve His unfailing mercy.

And that is the reason that I know that I can come to Him, call upon His mercy, ask Him to bless me, beg Him to spare our family from the unthinkable, plead with Him to preserve one little person’s life, a little person who may be inconsequential to everyone but a handful of unrighteous people.

Not because of what we have done, but because of who He is.

He will still be God … good, generous, faithful, merciful… no matter the outcome.

No matter the outcome.

No matter the outcome.

Lord, help me to trust You and follow You.

No matter the outcome.

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Comments

  1. Michawn says

    May 1, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Melissa. Tears. <br /><br />What an awesome post. So true, so honest. Don’t delete it. <br /><br />I do not know that God will heal Annie, but I know that He *can* heal Annie. That’s what we are praying for. <br /><br />Thank you for being so real.

    Reply
  2. Anonymous says

    May 1, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Melissa. You amaze me. How gut wrenchingly honest! Makes me pray even harder. Don’t delete it. You feel what you feel, and that is REAL. <br /><br />Continually praying.<br /><br />Jerry and Gail

    Reply
  3. Jessi -in love with her boys:) says

    May 1, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    Melissa, <br />I can&#39;t even begin to say that I can even imagine living day to day like you are having too right now. I just wanted to share with you something I read when those waves come… <br /><br />This scripture reading came out of Matt. 8:23-27….(Jesus and His disciples in the storm, and Jesus calms the winds and waves) it talked about our &quot; thunderstorm thoughts&quot;.. and

    Reply
  4. Christi says

    May 1, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Wow…there ARE so many questions that you are facing right now, but one thing that you CAN know, is that regardless of the outcome, God wants this experience, in the long run, to be used to grow your family in your faith and your relationship with him.<br /><br />If you are not honest with God, your relationship with him is not growing deeper. I’m glad that you are being real.<br /><br />He

    Reply
  5. handfull of johnsons says

    May 8, 2009 at 8:42 am

    Strangers are praying. You get it. He is with you and He will give you what you need. What an awesome girl with an awesome mommy!

    Reply

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About Me


Hey there... I'm Melissa! Texas girl. Mom to three + one goldendoodle. Believer. Old house fanatic. Creating a happy + healthy home with purpose is my passion. I'm so glad you're here!

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I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 years of paint off of this door down to the wood and start over… but that person has no business starting new projects. 😅 My neighbors must have thought this project would never end. *I* thought this project would never end. 😰 If you’re thinking of doing this yourself? Just don’t, ok? Throw the whole door away and buy a new one. 😂🤣 Just kidding.  Old house weirdos like me… we can’t just do things the easy way. Anyhoo… after some trial and error, @sherwinwilliams Celestial is what I landed on, and I have to say… I like it. Periwinkle-ish blue looks great with the yellow house and will look even better when the azaleas are in bloom. Was it all worth it? That’s not important right now. 🤭 Will I do this all again in two years? The magic eight ball says… without a doubt. 👏🏻 I’ve already picked the next color. #gluttonforpunishment #somefoolsneverlearn #oldhouselove #oldhomelove #makinghome #southernliving #gardenandgun #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in an 80-year-old house completely worth it … what broken pipes, icy hardwood floors and drafty windows? 🤔 I forgot already. #comeonspring #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Happy Saturday ☀️ Happy Saturday ☀️
Salt Lake City is always magical ✨ Salt Lake City is always magical ✨
2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrollin 2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrolling through my pics from the last twelve months made me realize how blessed and content I am. Prosperity, love, and peace have been ours in abundance, in spite of the pain of losing my dad. The second picture is the last picture of him… the last time I saw him. 💔 But God has been good to my family this year and 2022 is ending far better than it began. 😄 #2022inreview #thanksforthememories
Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍ Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍♀️
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That’s it. That’s the tour. (Slide two). 
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It’s a new trend I’m starting: bare Christmas tree. Lowe’s tag still attached (so quirky and unexpected)! Christmas ornaments still in boxes. Coming soon to an Anthropologie window display near you. 
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Every year I think, “next year I’ll do better. Next year I’ll have it together.” And then, here we are on the SIXTH Christmas that we’ve been in this house, the sixth Christmas I’ve dragged our chaotic bunch of Christmas mess out of a chaotic garage I still haven’t unpacked from our move six years ago. 
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Maybe this year is the year I’ll organize it all and put it back neatly so that by Christmas number 7, it will be smooth sailing. People will flock to my social media to see how I’ve pulled everything off SO PERFECTLY. Next year will be my year. 
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Seems every year there’s less and less bandwidth for all these things. There’s more grief and stress, less money. More demands, less grace. 
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I put this sign on the wall in my office so I could keep it in front of my eyes: Love. Joy. Peace. And all that. I am SO unlike Jesus most days. So lacking in all of these character qualities. And that’s WITH waking up most mornings and spending my first 30 minutes with God Himself. 
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How lost would I be without that? Geez. I can’t fathom. I REQUIRE being transformed by renewing my mind every single morning, and even then, responding to people and life with love, joy, peace and patience doesn’t come naturally. 
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It’s the goal, though. 
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This weary world needs that from us Believers during this season, more than ever… even more than an Anthropologie-window-display worthy Christmas home tour. 
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I’m working on both.
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