Yes, its way past my bedtime tonight.

This may be one of those blog posts that rambles a little….I’m just warning you. 😉

When it gets late I get a little philosophical. And I ramble.

Just ask my college roommate.

So I may just delete this whole thing in the morning, when I go back and re-read it after a good night’s sleep, and discover it makes no sense. 😉

Its been one of those days when I feel very little in the way of faith.

I’m just being honest.

Its been one of those days when I have this horrifying feeling in my gut that this is not going to turn out ok.

Its been one of those days, though at least half a dozen people have assured me that “they know God is going to heal Annie”…..they know that when we go for the MRI, that the tumor won’t be there….I’m not feelin’ it.

And I know they mean well, and I appreciate that they have faith, and at times, I convince myself of that very thing, too, and I feel so good about it.

Sometimes.

But not today.

Today, I’m seeing *signs* in everything that God is preparing me for the worst.

I can’t keep these horrific thoughts out of my head.

*One wrong slip of the knife*

*People sometimes die from the anesthesia, that’s why they make you sign that waiver*

*Tumors always grow larger and larger and larger; they cut them out and they come back*

*Innocent children sometimes die*

*God never promised me a lifetime with my children*

*Brain tumors are deadly*

Just being realistic.

Songs on the radio remind me that life is hard.

That is guaranteed.

And I hear these songs and think, “This is what God is preparing me for…”

Even some praise and worship songs make me think of, God forbid, a funeral.

And that’s reality.

I think, We have to prepare ourselves for the reality of the situation.

We think we know what God has planned…..but there is no way we can know…..because we cannot possibly think like God.

I appreciate it that people tell me they *know,* but the fact is that there is no way we can know that God plans to heal Annie.

We just like to think we know that.

Our ways are NOT like God’s ways, no matter how righteous we think we are…… we aren’t.

We are sinful, selfish, fallen, wicked people, BUT for the Grace of God.

We like to think that because we’re pretty good people, that God will smile upon us and grant us our heart’s desire.

But nothing could be farther from the truth……deep down, I know that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, in me, apart from Jesus in my heart, that would be deserving of God answering my prayers….certainly not because I am righteous.

If I were the One in control, I like to think I would always heal little children.

If I were the One in control, Annie would be miraculously healed, and we’d all be happy and feel good about singing happy praise songs in church, and live happily ever after.

So we think we know that God *should* heal Annie.

But the honest truth is that sometimes God doesn’t do the things we think He should.

Because we don’t think like HE does. We can’t.

So days like this, when I’m thinking the worst, I bawl my eyes out to the Lord.

I make all sorts of promises, in exchange for God healing Annie.

Yes, I’ll be a missionary…

Yes, I’ll tell everyone I know about Your goodness and grace….

Yes, I’ll never doubt again…

Yes, I’ll be a righteous, non-wavering follower of YOU for the rest of my days…

But the truth is, I know me.

I know all of us.

If God chooses to heal Annie like I ask Him to, before long…..

….I’ll forget.

Because that’s how I am. That’s how we all are.

And I’ll grumble like the Israelites.

Remember them? God provided manna from Heaven for them and was faithful to lead them through the wilderness. For forty years.

Miraculously.

Provided for their every need, because they were His chosen people, after all.

And they grumbled.

And we read that story and think, “How could they possibly grumble? Selfish, ungrateful people…after all that God has done for them….”

But the truth is, we are no better…..

God graciously pours out blessings upon us, and selfishly, we grumble.

My point is….should God answer my prayers…..I know me, and I know that I would grumble about something, at some point…

Maybe not anytime this year or next, but at some point…

I would grumble. I would find the negative, after a very short time of singing His praises…..I would. At some point, down the road, I would forget God’s goodness to our family. I would forget to tell everyone I met about how He healed my Annie. And worst of all, I would doubt again.

Maybe not immediately, but at some point, I would.

So I can forget making a pact with God: my promises, in exchange for His blessing, because my promises are worthless.

But here’s the amazing part:

God knows that I’m unfaithful. God knows I would doubt Him. God knows, already, right now, that I would forget all the promises I make to Him.

God knows this.

God knows I’m not a good person.

God knows there is nothing within me that deserves His blessings.

God knows my feeble promises would never come to pass.

The beauty of it all is, that God is good regardless of the bad that I might do.

God is generous regardless of how worthless I am.

God is faithful regardless of how unfaithful I am.

God is merciful when I could never deserve His unfailing mercy.

And that is the reason that I know that I can come to Him, call upon His mercy, ask Him to bless me, beg Him to spare our family from the unthinkable, plead with Him to preserve one little person’s life, a little person who may be inconsequential to everyone but a handful of unrighteous people.

Not because of what we have done, but because of who He is.

He will still be God … good, generous, faithful, merciful… no matter the outcome.

No matter the outcome.

No matter the outcome.

Lord, help me to trust You and follow You.

No matter the outcome.