Red Lobster Biscuits.

I’m about to violate two of my life principles by posting this recipe:
1. Never cook with Crisco, Velveeta, canned soup or Bisquick, or any other man-made food product my grandmother never cooked with… and,
2. Never clutter up my blog with a recipe that can be found elsewhere on the internet.

As far as #1 is concerned… I’m almost, like 98%, over man-made food products. But Velveeta Cheese Dip is pretty darn tasty, even if it does have a shelf life longer than King Edward VIII’s wedding cake.  

Seriously. I once kept a bowl of Velveeta Cheese Dip for two years, moved it to three apartments, because it was never a convenient time for me to clean {my grandmother’s} bowl, so I kept shoving it to the back of my fridge to deal with later. It never once grew mold and looked exactly the same two years later. I was young and single and… I digress.

And for #2, well, this recipe tastes EXACTLY like the real biscuits at Red Lobster, and once you experience the crack addiction of those biscuits, you’ll know that it would be dumb for me to try to change stuff up just to satisfy my own ego. So here it is in all its glory, straight from Top Secret Recipes.

You. Are. Welcome.

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You’ll need these ingredients, all of which I’m sure you have on hand, especially if you’re one of those slackers who always has Bisquick in the pantry like I never, ever do because I do NOT buy it in the industrial-size box at Sam’s. I DON’T, OK? GOSH!

Except sometimes.

Plus the other staples: butter, cheese (I like colby jack), milk and garlic powder.

Grate about a cup of the cheese. Or more, if you have a six-year-old who can’t keep her grubby hands out of your freshly-grated cheese.

Turn the lights off and measure your Bisquick into a mixing bowl, and toss in half a stick of cold butter chunks. Or, go ahead turn the lights on if you aren’t into dark and mysterious.

Just kidding. We were having frustrating light issues for this picture.

Using a pastry cutter or a fork, cut the cold butter into the Bisquick.

Keep going until the butter is in pea-sized chunks.

Throw in your grated cheese. Go ahead. Be generous.

Add milk…

And that yummy garlicky flavor. Now. If this were MY recipe I’d use fresh garlic, but it ain’t mine. I’d probably also use buttermilk and soak the (healthy) flour in it overnight, but… ain’t my recipe.

Try to adjust.

Stir it all up, but don’t beat the ever living daylights out of it. Overmixing is always a sin.

Using an ice cream scoop, scoop out the dough onto your cooking sheet. Personally, I only use Pampered Chef stoneware because your stuff never gets burned even if you lose time and stop paying attention to what’s going on in your oven. Stoneware is critical when you try to bake things with a raging case of A.D.D.

I have two scoops: a ginormous one, and the other one, a tiny little cornballer. I used the jumbo one and only made six biscuits the size of canteloupes, but a medium-sized scoop is on my wish list. Once your dough is scooped out, bake them at 400* for 15-17 minutes.

Mine actually took about 19 minutes, being that they were the size of cantaloupes.

Meanwhile, the GOOD part… while your biscuits are baking, melt some butter, and stir a little more garlic powder into it. The recipe says to add parsley too, but I don’t like parsley so I rebelled.

They’re not the boss of me.

When the hot biscuits come out of the oven, brush them all over with buttery garlic mixture.

Then be prepared, because marriage proposals are about to come flooding in. Happens to me every time.

Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits, via Top Secret Recipes
Ingredients
2 1/2 cups Bisquick baking mix
4 tablespoons cold butter
1 heaping cup grated Cheddar cheese
3/4 cup cold whole milk
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
Brush on Top
2 tablespoons butter, melted
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon dried parsley flakes
pinch salt

Instructions
1. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F.

2. Combine Bisquick with cold butter in a medium bowl using a pastry cutter or a large fork. You don’t want to mix too thoroughly. There should be small chunks of butter in there that are about the size of peas. Add Cheddar cheese, milk, and 1/4 teaspoon garlic. Mix by hand until combined, but don’t over mix.

3. Drop approximately 1/4-cup portions of the dough onto an ungreased cookie sheet using an ice cream scoop. Bake for 15 to 17 minutes or until the tops of the biscuits begin to turn light brown.

4. When you take the biscuits out of the oven, melt 2 tablespoons butter in a small bowl in your microwave. Stir in 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder and the dried parsley flakes. Use a brush to spread this garlic butter over the tops of all the biscuits. Use up all of the butter.

Makes a dozen biscuits.