Listen, no offense to those of you who LOOOOVE your online dating scene.

I get it… more and more of you are meeting your True Love on Match or Harmony or the FARMERS one, for the love (snort…. have you seen those commercials???), and that’s fine. Great. Nothing wrong with that. Whatever. God bless you and may you live happily ever after with the farmer of your dreams. 

But let me just say that at some point between the time I was single the first time, way back in the 90s, for Heaven’s sake, and NOW? It’s apparently become NOT JUST FOR THE CRAZY CAT LADIES AND THE MEN WHO LIVE IN THEIR MAMA’S BASEMENT AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES ALL DAY. As in, you know, NORMAL. It’s a NORMAL THING TO DO.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT.

But even now, really, I never even pondered the thought of TRYNA MEET SOMEONE ONLINE. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Until this last Friday night, when I met a gorgeous, smart, funny single girlfriend for dinner and wine at Cork, and she mentioned meeting her last boyfriend online, and how FUN the whole experience was, the zany messages she’d get, the funny things she’d laugh about, and there was wine flowing, and laughing, and dares made, and yada yada yada, before the night was over, I HAD AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE.

Yes. Yes, I did.

I am not even dating, nor do I plan to, but FUN, y’all. If someone promises me FUN, I’m down with that, especially on a weekend in which my kids are gone and I’m bored and lonely and there has been wine consumed. I had to know what amazing things I was missing out on in this giant pool of fun into which I had never dared to dip my toe.

I set up a profile, using a side-view photograph of my face, or what was once my face before I blurred and filtered and Photoshopped it into oblivion, LEST ANYONE ACTUALLY RECOGNIZE ME ON THIS THING, DEAR MERCIFUL HEAVENS, JUST NO, and filled out the intro paragraph that basically said,

I AM NOT ACTUALLY DATING ANY OF YOU FOOLS BECAUSE LIKE JERRY SEINFELD SAID, 95% OF YOU ARE UNDATEABLE. I’M JUST HERE TO MAKE FUN OF YOU, LOSERS. AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, IF YOU SEND ME A MESSAGE WHICH INCLUDES POOR GRAMMAR, GOD HELP YOU BECAUSE I WILL NOT RESPOND. 

Well, not those exact words, per se, but something to that effect. It was snotty, snobby, and as antisocial as possible because I AM NOT DATING THESE UNDATEABLES. I. AM. NOT.

And then the paragraph in which we describe how we want our first date to go down, I said something like,

THERE WILL BE NO FIRST DATES BECAUSE I AM NOT ACTUALLY MEETING ANY OF YOU SERIAL KILLERS, NOT EVEN IN A WELL-LIT PUBLIC PLACE, BUT IF I DID, YOU BETTER BRING YOUR COLLEGE TRANSCRIPT FROM A DECENT COLLEGE, A CREDIT REPORT, THREE MONTHS OF STATEMENTS FROM ALL OF YOUR INVESTMENT ACCOUNTS, AND A LETTER OF REFERENCE FROM YOUR PASTOR, AND EVEN THEN I WILL SNEAK OUT THE BATHROOM WINDOW IF YOU’RE AT ALL WEIRD. NOT THAT I’M ACTUALLY DOING THIS BECAUSE I’M NOT.

That’s actually pretty much what I said. And it turns out that nobody cared about how snotty, snobby, and antisocial I was, because within minutes I had my first hit!

A man wanted to meet me.

What the heck, y’all. I DON’T EVEN DO THIS NONSENSE.

Before I went to bed that night, there were twelve more. TWELVE MEN HAD MESSAGED ME. AND THAT MANY MORE HAD CLICKED THE RED CHECK MARK TO ACTUALLY TRY TO MEET ME.

What in the actual heck.

I was popular.

Even in spite of all the ways in which I had tried my best to tone down my extreme desirableness, it just shined on through. And men wanted to meet me.

I waited a night, because I WAS NOT DOING THIS, and then I clicked on the first dude, just for funsies. My kids were gone. I was bored. I was lonely. There was wine. Here we are.

And he looked exactly like Uncle Leo with his angry eyebrows drawn on. And he was at least 38 years my senior, though I suspect he fudged a little on the birthdate. IF YOU’RE READING THIS, NOBODY BELIEVES YOU’RE ACTUALLY 53, UNCLE LEO. I immediately took a screenshot and sent it to all of my friends with the ROFL emoji, because IT WAS HILARIOUS. We all laughed. They all thanked their lucky stars that they had been happily married for 20 years and didn’t need to do this.

And then the next one had on a purple sharkskin suit, a shiny grill in his mouth, sporting a giant cigar and lots of gold rings.

The next several were from the cast of Deliverance.

I was beginning to have all of my suspicions about online dating confirmed. It was shaping up to be everything I ever dreamed it would be.

I laughed out loud all weekend. Literally. From the messages I got, to some of their profile pictures… it was quite entertaining. I bombarded my friends with screenshots of this hilarity so we could all laugh together.

Within my first 48 hours of being an online dater, EXCEPT NOT, I had 51 messages in my inbox, and 218 wanted to meet me, and those are actual, non-exaggerated numbers. That blurry, filtered, photoshopped picture of myself was NOT HURTING MY CAUSE, man.

Lest you get too excited for me and my prospects, let me just give you a rundown on those 172 + 218:

• 45% of them LOVE TO FISH, as evidenced by their profile pic holding a giant fish
• 5% of them had their mother in their profile picture #hellomommyissues
• 58% of them were standing awkwardly in front of their car/motorcycle/truck/someone else’s Corvette
• 28% of them are shirtless
• 34% of them really want you to notice their giant biceps #helloimtwelvelookatmeflexmymuscles
• 75% of them just took their first selfie, clearly had no idea how to take a selfie, and you can see straight up their nose
• 5% of them took a selfie in which they were lying on their beds, making a seductive duck face BECAUSE WOMEN LOVE IT WHEN MEN POSE SEDUCTIVELY, NOT REALLY
• 80% of them look like their woman had just walked out the door, like, literally, five minutes ago, and they were pissed off about it, or had just RIGHT THAT SECOND stopped crying
• 63% of them had more tattoos than clothes
• 5% of them posed with a gun, and not just any gun, a giant, *I will blow an elementary school to kingdom come* kind of gun
• 20% of them were holding a beer; 50% of those were actually DRINKING the beer
• one had eyes three inches apart
• one was naked, completely naked except for a pair of boots, but he was standing sideways so you couldn’t see his business

If you’re concerned that those numbers don’t add up to 100%, some of them overlap. Like, the great majority of men have a shirtless selfie in which they’re holding a beer and a fish and are covered in tattoos and standing in front of a motorcycle, for example.

And then there are the screen names.

• 30% of them imply some sad, lonely desperation, like the1nobodywants or divorcedagain or lonelyguy. I’m sure some women CAN’T WAIT to be the one to scoop you up and LOVE. ON. YOU. and bring you a casserole, bless your heart, BUT I AM NOT THAT WOMAN. Gosh.
• The other 70% of them imply some sort of X-rated activity IN THEIR ACTUAL SCREEN NAME, like ladypleaser. *insert eye roll emoji* AND I can’t tell you how many of them LOVE THAT NUMBER, you know, that number that boys have been talking about since we were all in middle school, which I am not going to mention here because my kids read this blog, but let’s just say it’s 58. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY ONLINE DATING MEN HAVE THAT NUMBER IN THEIR SCREEN NAME? A LOT, THAT’S HOW MANY. Like the ladies are gonna GO NUTS, jim5858.

And the MESSAGES. Y’all. I got an actual message from a man who said… well, that’s the subject of another post.

Do men ever really grow up? REALLY?

Because if so, you can’t really tell it by their online dating profiles.

But lucky for you, men, I’m here to help.

Not that I know one actual thing about how to meet, date, or have a successful relationship with the opposite sex, because obvious reasons, but if you don’t mind, here are a few of my thoughts on how to help men meet a real, live woman, using an online dating service:

1. Get a woman to take your profile picture. Not your mother, though clearly she is really special to you, but she thinks you’re ALWAYS adorable and lacks unbiased judgement. Another woman. Your best friend’s wife would be my first choice. If you don’t have a best friend, or if he doesn’t have a wife, grab the most stylish woman you can get to quickly, and ask her to take the picture.
2. Lose the fish. I’m not opposed to fish. I like fish. And we get that YOU like fish. But women just aren’t physically attracted to the fish, and furthermore, it’s obvious that blurry, dark picture was taken by your best bud after you’d both been fishing and drinking beer for hours. Put down the fish and let’s get you a picture without it.
3. Learn how to take a selfie. Before you post this picture, ask yourself: CAN I SEE UP MY NOSE IN THIS PICTURE? If so, keep taking selfies until you get one that doesn’t include nostril hair.
4. Tone down the scariness. I like guns, I’m a Southern conservative woman who is a fan of guns, but lest you look like you’re poised and ready to take down an entire class of first graders while wearing a black trench coat, maybe don’t include the gun in your profile picture.
5. Smile. Especially if you’re big and intimidating and maybe look like a skinhead. I got a message from one gentleman who MIGHT have been a perfectly tame preschool teacher who grows lilacs and has a pet bunny, but I’ll never know because in his picture he looked like an angry skinhead, and I’m too intimidated to respond. See number 4 about toning down the scariness. And I don’t know if it’s more masculine to not smile, but if you find yourself UNABLE to smile for a profile pic because your boo just walked out, maybe wait a day, grab your best friend’s wife, and have her take the picture without the tears in your eyes.
6. Take a picture without your mother. Listen, I get that you’re her special boy. I know you love that she brings you grilled cheese sandwiches while you play your video games in her basement. But your future Mrs. wants to know that there’s a chance she will NOT have mother-in-law issues should she choose to have a relationship with you. I’m not saying don’t HAVE lots of pictures of you with your mother, but maybe don’t include them on your online dating profile.
7. Take a picture without another woman in it. I can’t tell you how many pictures I saw that looked like THAT MAN IS POSING WITH HIS ACTUAL WIFE. Is she your wife? Your girlfriend? Who knows. Maybe she’s your sister. The point is WE CANNOT TELL. And maybe some women are down with finding a man on an online dating site who is taken, but I daresay that most are not. I even saw one picture of a man without a woman in it, but that was because he had taken scissors and cut the woman out, and then scanned the picture. In this day and age of DIGITAL PICTURES, it’s not that hard to JUST TAKE A NEW PICTURE, dude.
8. Get up off the bed. We get it. You’re a man. We know the number ONE reason OK, the ONLY reason you’re here, on this dating site, and we all understand where you are hoping your date ends up. You don’t need to plant subtle clues by laying on a pillow. Besides, it’s sort of feminine. It just is.
9. Lose the duck face. I can’t believe I even have to say this to a bunch of grown men: DUCK FACES ARE FOR 13-YEAR-OLD GIRLS. If you are NOT a 13-year-old-girl, DO NOT TAKE A PICTURE WITH A DUCK FACE. I am without words. This actually happens, and I am without words.
10. And last but not least, put some clothes on. Maybe all that skin is working for you. If so, carry on. But most women I know like to leave a little to the imagination. I get that you’re so very proud of your pecs, your biceps, your tattoos. But personally, I think a nice, normal, smiling, fully clothed picture of yourself would go a long way. Women are not like men, and we don’t need to see skin.

I could go on and on and talk about being interesting and not boring and USING PROPER GRAMMAR, FOR THE LOVE, but what do I know; I’m 48 hours into this, and have zero plans to venture any further. And obviously, you’re finding each other on these sites and living happily ever after, because I’m hearing success stories. Maybe there are lots of women who LOVE FISH and LOVE YOUR TATTOOS. Maybe.

But maybe Jerry Seinfeld is right, and 95% of you are finding yourself in the UNDATEABLE category, and if this is you, maybe consider my suggestions.

I just want to do my part to help YOU live happily ever after.

It won’t be with me, you tattooed, duck-faced serial killers, but with someone…