Even more so when you’ve both been divorced and bring lots of baggage to the table.
And almost impossible when you’re near-paralyzed by a wicked case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder brought on by horrific events from your last relationship, with a tendency to wig out like a Vietnam War veteran at the faintest breath of of anything that remotely reminds you of it…
For those of you who know me or are friends with me on Facebook, perhaps you’ve noticed the Friend/ Relationship/ Single/ Unfriend/ Friend roller coaster I’ve lived since December.
For those of you who don’t know me, this guy came into my life so very unexpectedly, when I really had come to terms with being alone forever. I had decided I would be never be truly happy, but that was ok as long as I wasn’t miserable either.
And then one day in Sunday School I locked eyes with Derek Zoolander from across the room, and that was the beginning of a roller coaster that has caused my friends to yell, roll their eyes, stop talking to me, unfriend me on Facebook, and even threaten to shoot me.
And those are my CLOSEST friends! They WANT TO SHOOT ME!!
I can’t help myself.
His appeal goes way beyond the fact that he’s really, really, ridiculously good-looking. I love him for so much more than his rugged male-model good looks and ripped abs. He’s so very intelligent… and talented… and has this ridiculous sense of humor that is more like my own than anyone I’ve ever met. And funny goes a LONG way; its at the top of my wish-list in fact.
Just sayin’… I lived for many years ONLY laughing when the other party tripped over something in the middle of the night, and that doesn’t make for an enjoyable relationship. I never want a non-laughing relationship again.
And my kids love him.
WOW, do they love him… and he’s brought out a whole new side of my kids that I’ve never seen before. They get in my car in the evenings and the FIRST WORDS out of their mouths are ALWAYS about HIM. They’re either asking me if he can please come over tonight, or still laughing about something silly he said or did days ago, or asking me if they can call him on my cell phone. So they call him often, and I can hear him tell them over the speakerphone that he’s missed them, and it makes my heart melt.
He brings them necklaces and coloring books, draws with Katie, and plays Memory with Annie. He’s good-hearted. He’s thoughtful, kind, and compassionate. He REALLY DOES want to make sad people happy. He sees only the good in everybody. He prays before every meal and has the kind of wisdom that comes from knowing the Bible well and reading it often.
And those are only a few of the zillions of reasons I’m so miserable without him. I know, because I’ve tried to be without him at least 172 times.
Because I know that any guy as incredible as this one is more than I deserve, and with my PTSD my instinct is to run away to somewhere safe before he comes to his senses and realizes he could do a lot better.
The roller coaster isn’t his doing… its mine.
I’m anxious and insecure and have lots of unhealed wounds, and if I were the one writing my own story, I’d take all that into consideration and choose for myself a guy who would ONLY soothe my insecurities… he’d probably be old, plain, quiet, safe, and boring, like Uncle Knit-Knots from the Imagination Movers.
And I’d never have to NOT be insecure.
But God loves me too much to let me stay paralyzed in insecurity or to inflict Uncle Knit-Knots upon me knowing that would NEVER make me happy.
Or maybe with His sense of humor he thought it would be funny to give me the OPPOSITE of what I thought I needed… Instead of Uncle Knit-Knots, he brought me an insecure woman’s worst nightmare: the three-time VH1 Male Model of the Year.
And if I wasn’t insecure BEFORE, any microscopic fragment of security that I had gets yanked right out from under me every time he devastates me with one look from those Brown Steel eyes…
I think the moral of this story is that God wants me to find my security in…God. Trust HIM. Know that who He is in me is enough. Be content and secure regardless of my circumstances.
And God brought along this guy just to help me learn that lesson.
Oh yeah baby. That’s mine.