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The Friendship Rules.

Melissa Beene Ford/ Uncategorized

In a perfect world, we’d all be able to be friends.

Just like in Kindergarten…. Back when we didn’t care where you lived, who your daddy was, what color your skin was, where your momma bought your clothes, or if you ate your boogers.

Well, scratch that last part; eating boogers has always mattered, even in Kindergarten.

Life was at its best in Kindergarten.
It’s pretty much been all downhill since then, starting in Fifth Grade when our eyes were opened and we realized the cool kids had Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and twist-a-beads, and the not-so-cool kids didn’t, and we began being a tad more selective about who our friends were.

That was the beginning of the end.
Then came middle school, where strict unspoken rules governed who you could be friends with and who you couldn’t. And being friends with everyone never got easy again.

Or even possible.

The rules become even more complex when we’re talking male/female friendships.

There was a time in my life when most of my ‘friends’ were male. I was a huge believer that men and women could be JUST. FRIENDS.

Until almost every one of my guy friends, at one time or another, tried to kiss me.

ALL BUT ONE, my best guy friend in college.

And he got a girlfriend and ditched me because he fell in love and his new girlfriend was hogging up all his time. It hurt at the time, but we’re all Facebook friends now and I’m proud of how happy and in love they are, married something like 14 years now, and I get it. Finally.

At the time, I didn’t. I thought *I alone* was above all that petty jealousy stuff and that friendship should matter more than a silly girlfriend.

I don’t think that anymore.

I think, back then… I never cared enough about another person to feel so passionately jealous for them.

I think being in love changes you forever in that way.

And I no longer think men and women can be just friends…at least without one of them wishing it were more, or it becoming more at some point.

I used to inwardly make fun of people who shared a Facebook identity. You know who I mean… their Facebook name is MattJennifer or James n Kristie. So silly… I used to think.

Now I get it.
I used to inwardly make fun of husbands who wouldn’t let their wives have a Facebook account, or men who refuse to add female Facebook friends. Ridiculous… I used to think. We’re all adults here.


Now I get it.

I recently heard a statistic that 40% of all divorces now involve Facebook. That’s scary… but so very believable.

So I get it.

If I had a relationship that I valued, with someone I loved, I too would want to protect it from anything that has the SLIGHTEST POTENTIAL to ruin it.

And as much as I love Facebook, and it pains me greatly to say it…. I hope I would give up Facebook for that person if it were important to him. (Ouch). I hope someday I love someone enough to consider… (sigh. I’m struggling here to get this out)…. that I might… even…. give up my iPhone. I hope it never comes to that, mind you; just sayin’… but I’m using those two things as a hypothetical because I love Facebook and my iPhone only slightly less than I love my children.

But love sometimes means sacrifice in order to put the other person’s comfort above your own.
At least that’s the way I see it, with the wisdom and perspective gained from sitting here alone in my apartment with nobody but 58 cats and the Lifetime Movie Network to keep me company.

Trust me, I’ve learned THE HARD WAY (hard being an understatement) that good relationships are a rare thing.

Love is hard to get. Relationships are fragile.
If you find a person you love, and have a good relationship that is valuable to you, you should guard it at any cost. They fall apart too easily.

Trust me; I know.

I’ve been surveying my friends about this subject lately. Can men
and women be just friends? Are you ok with your husband having female
friends? How about if YOU had a male friend… would your
husband be ok with that? Would it be ok with your spouse for you to be friends with someone with whom you once had a romantic past?

With the exception of ONE FRIEND, everyone else answered a resounding NO. Not just no, but [insert profanity here] NO.

No, no, no to all of those questions, and complete bewilderment that I would even ASK.
It’s not JUST ABOUT trust: every one of these people has a marriage I would envy, and trust their partners explicitly… but that’s just it. When you find a relationship that rare and special… you want to guard it.

Case in point: One friend mentioned that her husband saw his ex-girlfriend at WalMart. He waved ‘hi’ to her, and my friend felt an irrational jealousy that he had SEEN her… THOUGH HE HAD. NOT. EVEN. TALKED. TO. HER. If he had HAD A CONVERSATION WITH the ex, she would have been LIVID, BLOOD-BOILING, FURIOUS. And these two have one of the best marriages I know of, and they trust each other…

…But love each other enough to guard their relationship like a bear guards her cubs.

And apparently that’s not so crazy: My married friends agreed that they would ALL. feel this way. So would their husbands.

It’s not about trust… It’s about jealously protecting something very valuable to you.

Love is fragile, and the cost of losing it is far too steep.

Trust me; I know
.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. mgirl says

    February 12, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Awesomely shared, as usual, Melissa.

    Reply
  2. Anonymous says

    February 12, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    I absolutely, positively agree 100%. TOTALLY. And I am not one of the married friends you interviewed, but I've been married 16 years to the same man. IMO, if someone is married, there is no NEED for a friend of the opposite gender. Casual acquaintances? Maybe. Relationships with those of the opposite gender? Not necessary. If the relationship with a spouse is a good one, each person would

    Reply
  3. Marlager says

    February 13, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 IT ALWAYS PROTECTS, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. <br /><br />* It always protects…….in every way

    Reply
  4. Sharon - Grandma is a Writer says

    March 6, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Very well written! This is my first visit – came via FB. A friend shared your blog post. Glad I stopped by. My husband and I have been married for 38 years and we guard our relationship diligently.

    Reply

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About Me


Hey there... I'm Melissa! Texas girl. Mom to three + one goldendoodle. Believer. Old house fanatic. Creating a happy + healthy home with purpose is my passion. I'm so glad you're here!

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I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 I don’t know who’s big idea it was to strip 80 years of paint off of this door down to the wood and start over… but that person has no business starting new projects. 😅 My neighbors must have thought this project would never end. *I* thought this project would never end. 😰 If you’re thinking of doing this yourself? Just don’t, ok? Throw the whole door away and buy a new one. 😂🤣 Just kidding.  Old house weirdos like me… we can’t just do things the easy way. Anyhoo… after some trial and error, @sherwinwilliams Celestial is what I landed on, and I have to say… I like it. Periwinkle-ish blue looks great with the yellow house and will look even better when the azaleas are in bloom. Was it all worth it? That’s not important right now. 🤭 Will I do this all again in two years? The magic eight ball says… without a doubt. 👏🏻 I’ve already picked the next color. #gluttonforpunishment #somefoolsneverlearn #oldhouselove #oldhomelove #makinghome #southernliving #gardenandgun #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in Spring in the Azalea District makes the winters in an 80-year-old house completely worth it … what broken pipes, icy hardwood floors and drafty windows? 🤔 I forgot already. #comeonspring #azaleadistrict #tylertx
Happy Saturday ☀️ Happy Saturday ☀️
Salt Lake City is always magical ✨ Salt Lake City is always magical ✨
2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrollin 2022 had its highs and lows for sure, but scrolling through my pics from the last twelve months made me realize how blessed and content I am. Prosperity, love, and peace have been ours in abundance, in spite of the pain of losing my dad. The second picture is the last picture of him… the last time I saw him. 💔 But God has been good to my family this year and 2022 is ending far better than it began. 😄 #2022inreview #thanksforthememories
Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍ Who wants a Christmas tour of my home? 🙋🏼‍♀️
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That’s it. That’s the tour. (Slide two). 
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It’s a new trend I’m starting: bare Christmas tree. Lowe’s tag still attached (so quirky and unexpected)! Christmas ornaments still in boxes. Coming soon to an Anthropologie window display near you. 
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Every year I think, “next year I’ll do better. Next year I’ll have it together.” And then, here we are on the SIXTH Christmas that we’ve been in this house, the sixth Christmas I’ve dragged our chaotic bunch of Christmas mess out of a chaotic garage I still haven’t unpacked from our move six years ago. 
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Maybe this year is the year I’ll organize it all and put it back neatly so that by Christmas number 7, it will be smooth sailing. People will flock to my social media to see how I’ve pulled everything off SO PERFECTLY. Next year will be my year. 
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Seems every year there’s less and less bandwidth for all these things. There’s more grief and stress, less money. More demands, less grace. 
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I put this sign on the wall in my office so I could keep it in front of my eyes: Love. Joy. Peace. And all that. I am SO unlike Jesus most days. So lacking in all of these character qualities. And that’s WITH waking up most mornings and spending my first 30 minutes with God Himself. 
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How lost would I be without that? Geez. I can’t fathom. I REQUIRE being transformed by renewing my mind every single morning, and even then, responding to people and life with love, joy, peace and patience doesn’t come naturally. 
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It’s the goal, though. 
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This weary world needs that from us Believers during this season, more than ever… even more than an Anthropologie-window-display worthy Christmas home tour. 
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I’m working on both.
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