This is a repost from several weeks ago. It just seems appropriate to post again today.

I’m irritated and annoyed this week.

I have a sore throat and feel terrible, not to mention that many things have caused me stress, which has caused me to lose sleep, and loss of sleep makes me grouchy, and I want to start a fight.

So if you find harsh and sarcastic words offensive, consider this your only warning to stop reading *here* and come back tomorrow.

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The seven things that annoy me most, not necessarily in this order…

7. Fake. Fake annoys me.

Fake things, first of all, like a fake Louis Vuitton purse: I want to let you know that if you’re carrying one, its pretty dadgum obvious to everyone that you did not spend $3,000 on a purse.

Just sayin’.

Your purse cost more than that 1991 Astrovan you’re driving? I think not. Its fake, ok? And we all can tell from a mile away that you bought it from a creep selling stuff out of a van down by the interstate.

And though its slightly hypocritical of me, since I’ve been known to carry a fake D&B (it was a gift, and, well, I like it… ), my gripe really isn’t about fake purses.

Fake people are much, much worse.

People who are friends to my face and stir up trouble for me behind my back. We all know the type. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

6. Snobbery.

Whether you’re expounding on which wine from which vintage most suits your exquisitely refined palate…

Ooh. I have to stop there. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Its ok to like wine. Love it, even. Collect it! Fine. Great. Whatever.

But you don’t have to enlighten everyone at the rehearsal dinner with your diatribe on Shiraz versus Merlot.

People are rolling their eyes at you.

Where I come from, its cornbread and chicken. And barbecue and sweet tea.

And if that ain’t good enough for you, then we probably won’t be able to be friends.

5. Intellectualism.

I thought of this one today as I was reading movie reviews on Rotten Tomatoes and thinking, “Who writes this nonsense??” If you use words like ‘poignant’ and ‘ephemeral’ when a one-syllable word would work just as well, or if you call movies ‘films’ and describe them as ‘vividly complex’ … This is about you.

If you write a blog that reads more like a middle school essay that you wrote for the DAR contest with your thesaurus by your side… This is about you.

Stop trying so hard. Its ok if you dumb it down a little; nobody is impressed.

4. Judgementalism.

I once knew a guy who would drive home from church and scoff at those sinful heathens who were mowing their yards on Sunday mornings. “GO TO CHURCH!” he’d bark at them as he drove by.

And I don’t think that’s what Jesus would do.

(Sigh). I have no further words about judgementalism that haven’t been said in my Needlenose stories.

3. The fake spirituality, spiritual concern, and/or fake “I’m praying for you.”

The first example that comes to mind is a girl who befriended me once a upon a time.

A girl who happened to be the ex-girlfriend of my then boyfriend. She invited me to Bible study, which I thought was so sweet, until prayer request time. At which point the crocodile tears began to flow as she began to confess to the entire room the things that she had done once upon a time with said boyfriend, and was feeling so guilty about.

I’m gullible, no doubt, but it suddenly became all to clear to my why, exactly, she had invited me to Bible study: to make sure I knew things that were guaranteed to scare me away from the guy that she wanted for herself.

“And I don’t know what just made me think of that,” she thought to herself…

Really. Don’t tell me you’re praying for me, invite me to Bible study, or anything remotely along those lines if you have a hateful ulterior motive.

Shouldn’t that go without saying?

2. Sugary sweetness (when its fake).

Now don’t get me wrong; I really like breakfast waitresses who call you ‘baby’ and ‘honey.’ I really do. Because for them, its real.

But when its not real? Like aspartame, they seem to be all sweetness and light, but they are NOT the real thing, and are probably just as hazardous.

For example: I recently attended a Sunday School class with nursing home odds, one single man to twenty single women, give or take. A class in which there were women who would rather claw your eyes out than let you sit at their table on Sunday mornings. Unless you’re a man, that is… and then they turn on the sugar.

And the dumb men soak it up.

And Proverbs 7 talks about women like that, with their persuasive words… beware, men. The noose doesn’t sound like much fun, but that’s your future.

And last but not least…. (drumroll please)

1. Manipulative women. And the good-hearted men who are easily manipulated by them.

Maybe its because I worked in a psychiatric hospital for so many years, but I’m immune to cries of, “But she might hurt herself if I don’t respond to her histrionic, middle-of-the-night text messages!!!!!”

Please understand that I’m not taking suicidal threats lightly;

BUT IF SHE’S REALLY SUICIDAL CALL 911.

THEY WILL SEND AN AMBULANCE.

ITS THEIR JOB.

And while you’re waiting for the ambulance to arrive, do yourself a favor and Google Histrionic Personality Disorder.

Then program this number into your speed dial: 1-800-566-0088. That’s the number for the Behavioral Health Center where the ambulance will likely be delivering your needy little Femme Fatale.

Heck, they’ll even let you come visit her each afternoon in between therapy sessions!

She’s taking advantage of YOUR NATURAL URGE AS A MAN to protect and to fix, but YOU don’t have to be the big hero riding in on a white steed to save the day.

You can’t.

She has more needs than one man can possibly fix. And if you fix one of her issues, she’ll find more. Trust me. She’s all about keeping your eyes, and all your attention, on HER, and at enormous cost to YOU.

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And that concludes my rant for this evening.

WHEW! I feel better.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go ask for forgiveness and pray and read my Bible to renew my mind before my next blog post…

But meanwhile here’s the next list of Top Things that Annoy Me. Go ahead. Read it. You know you wanna.